Big Cat Humor

1. Newton's Method:

Let the lion catch you. For every action there is an equal and opposite reaction. Implies you have caught the lion (Assuming that you're alive).

2. Einstein's Method:

Run in the direction opposite to that of the lion. Due to higher relative velocity, the lion will also run faster and will get tired soon. Now you can trap it easily.

3. Schrodinger's Method:

At any given moment, there is a positive probability that the lion should be in the cage. So set the trap, sit down, and wait.

4. Inverse Transformation Method:

We place a spherical cage in the forest and enter it. Perform an inverse transformation with respect to lion. Lion's in and we are out!

5. Thermodynamic Procedure:

We construct a semi-permeable membrane which allows everything to pass through it in it except the lions. Then sweep the entire forest with it.

Integrate the forest over the entire the area. The lion is somewhere in the result. So differentiate the result PARTIALLY w.r.t. the lion to trace out the lion.

Don't try. You'll get caught by the lion.

Two lions escaped from a zoo near Washington, D.C., and took off in separate directions. Weeks later they ran into each other in the middle of the night."I'm having a terrible time getting food," the first lion said. "How have you been getting along?"Just fine," the second lion said. "I found a good hiding place in the Pentagon. I eat one general a week. It'll be years before they notice that anyone is missing!"

A big-game hunter went on safari with his wife and mother-in-law. One evening, while deep in the jungle, the Mrs. awoke to find her mother gone. Rushing to her husband, she insisted on them both trying to find her mother.

The hunter picked up his rifle, took a swig of whiskey, and started to look for her. In a clearing not far from the camp, they came upon a chilling sight: the mother-in-law was backed up against a thick, impenetrable bush, and a large male lion stood facing her.

The wife said, ''What are we going to do?"

''Nothing,'' said the hunter. ''The lion got himself into this mess. Let him get himself out of it!'

One day, a man walked into a restaurant, with a lion. After being seated, he asked the waitress, 'Do you serve lawyers here?' 'Yes', the waitress replied. 'Ok, I'll take a ham sandwich for myself, and a lawyer for my lion'. - Thanks Tim Stoffel -

Have you heard that many second-rate companies are keeping lions on their plant property? They are doing this so they can label their products 'Built With Pride'- Thanks Tim Stoffel -

Did you hear about the man who turned into a lion every night, and back into a man in the morning? It was actually simple. The man would crawl into his bed each night, and while he was sleeping, he was 'a lion there'! - Thanks Tim Stoffel -

A man went over to the house of a friend, who he knew had a lion. When he entered his friend's house, he was quite surprised to find his friend sitting on the back of a lion, at his computer. The web browser on the computer was open, and an auction page from EBAY was displayed. "Why are you sitting on your lion in front of a computer?" asked the man. His friend replied, "Haven't you ever heard of on-lion bidding?" - Thanks Tim Stoffel -

There was a zoo that was not having a good day. In the morning, the Head Bird Keeper found two dead finches in the Aviary. Things were worse in the Primate House; there were two dead chimpanzees. The Lion Keeper, wanting to be efficient, made his rounds and collected the dead animals. He then uncerimoniously threw them to the lions. One of the lions, on observing what was for lunch, said, Oh no! Not Finch and Chimps! - Thanks Tim Stoffel -

One day, a man went down to the bank to apply for a loan. When he was ushered into the loan officer's office, he was quite surprised to see a lion in the room with the loan officer. They got to talking about the loan. But, the man couldn't help wonder why the loan officer kept a lion in his office. So, he asked him, "Sir, why do you have a lion in your office?" The loan officer replied, "Haven't you ever seen a lion of credit before?" - Thanks Tim Stoffel -

A student in a college philosophy course was having trouble making heads or tails out of a reading assignment the teacher had given him. So, he went to the professor after classes and asked for help. 'Would you mind if walked while we talked? I'd like to stroll down to the zoo.' the professor asked. 'Sure' said the student. He picked up the book and left with the professor. So, the two walked down to the zoo, having a deep discussion about the contents of the reading assignment. When they got to the lion enclosure, the professor asked, 'Can I see your book?' 'Sure' the student asked, and he handed the professor the book. The professor took the book, and tossed it into the lion enclosure, where it promptly landed between two of the great cats. 'So there', the professor said, 'If you want to get the most out of that text, you have to learn to read between the lions.' - Thanks Tim Stoffel -

A wealthy man decided to go on a safari in Africa. He took his faithful pet dog along for company. One day the dog starts chasing butterflies and before long he discovers that he is lost. So, wandering about he notices a leopard heading rapidly in his direction with the obvious intention of having lunch.

The dog thinks, "Oh Damn, "Uh-oh, now I'm in trouble!". (He was an Irish Setter)..... Then he noticed some bones on the ground close by, and immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat.

Just as the leopard is about to leap, the dog exclaims loudly, that was one delicious leopard. I wonder if there are any more around here?"

Hearing this the leopard halts his attack in mid stride, as a look of terror comes over him, and slinks away into the trees. "Whew", says the leopard, "That was close. That dog nearly had me."

Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard. So, off he goes. But the dog saw him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figured that something must be up.

(Irish paranoia) The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard. The leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine."

Now the dog sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back, and thinks "What the hell am I going to do now?" But instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers pretending he hasn't seen them yet. And just when they get close enough to hear, the dog says, "Where's that damn monkey. I just can never trust him. I sent him off half an hour ago to bring me another leopard, and he's still not back!!"

Two friends became lost during a safari in Africa. While discussing how to find their way out, They heard a viscous snarl to their left. Upon looking they saw what appeared to be a very hungry Leopard, At that sight, one of them bent down and started tightening his shoe laces.

His friend said "Hey are you crazy !!! You can`t outrun a leopard." His friend replied. " Mate, I don`t have to, I just have to outrun you !!!"